


There's Something Strange Going on in Albuquerque

by sparkly_butthole



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M, because people text funny, crackfic, no prose, not proper grammar, okay i'm done, or don't care, or don't know grammar, text and dialogue only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 10:30:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11484516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: “See, Nat? Told you I shouldn’t be here. I don’t have anything for this.”“Clint, nobody has anything for this.”Total crack. I'm not sure why I wrote it.





	There's Something Strange Going on in Albuquerque

“So where we headed off to?”

“Just past the other side of downtown. Somethin’ about somebody bein’ a giant baby. Probably the Jimenez woman again, her husband calllin’ in, I dunno. That or a prank call.”

“Ooh, this should be fun.”

“With the sarcasm again, I see.”

“You know it! Oh, I didn’t tell you about Mandy, she’s got this real cute little-”

“Uh.”

“- baby, I never saw such a cute thing before-”

“Uh. Please tell me I’m not going crazy here.”

“What, why?”

“Look, you idiot.”

“... oh. Is… is that what I think it is? Oh god, and it’s Mandy’s… Do we have anything for this?”

“... Nobody has anything for this. We better call Fury.”

 

  
***

 

 **Bae:** So, you guys heard about this thing in Albuquerque?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Yup, we’re on the way to the jet right now.

 **Other Bae:** Well, that’s great, not like I’m on vaca here.

 **Spidey One:** This is the job you signed up for.

 **Other Bae** : Fuck that, I ain’t no goddamn spy or assassin. I’m just a random black man in a suit, and I deserve a vacation.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** That is a negative. Get your ass to the hotel, we’re pickin you up on the way.

 **Other Bae** : Nope. Ask Warmachine, he flies too.

 **Sarcastic Asshole** : He’s coming too

 **Spidey Two:** Can I come??

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** No

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Why are you even on group texts

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Who put him on group texts

 **Bae:** You did, Tony.

 **Coffee Dawg:** Why do u guys keep texting me I AM RETIRED.

 **Bae:** You’re coming too Clint, suit up.

 **Spidey Two:** What?! No fair!

 **Magic Wanda:** Actually, he might be able to help us.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Oh for fucks sake

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** we don’t need all these people

 **Spidey Two:** Does that mean I’m in?!

 **Coffee Dawg:** Yeah take him not me you don’t need me

 **Coffee Dawg:** What am I gonna do, shoot the damn thing

 **Spidey One:** Clint, shut up and get ready.

 **Coffee Dawg** : I’M FUCKING RETIRED NATASHA

 **Spidey One:** You want me to tell them about that time in Paris?

 **Coffee Dawg:** U wouldn’t!!!!!!!!

 **Coffee Dawg:** Fuck.

 **Coffee Dawg:** U win.

 **Spidey One:** I always win.

 **Bae:** Ready in fifteen then, everyone.

 **Bae:** You alive out there, Buck?

 **Soldier:** Already in the jet, Steve.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** ...how? We just got the order two minutes ago.

 **Soldier:** Been sittin’ here a minute thirty. Get your shit together guys.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** How would you have even knowN??

 **Soldier:** …

 **Soldier:** Because I’m the winter soldier?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Otherwise known as Steve’s Murder Toy. Yuck.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Spiderboy, you do one stupid thing I’ll smack you all the way back to New York

 **Spidey Two:** :DDDDDDDDD

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** And Clint? You’re telling us about Paris.

 **Coffee Dawg:** Why am I friends with you assholes

 

 

***

 

 

“See, Nat? Told you I shouldn’t be here. I don’t have anything for this.”

“Clint, nobody has anything for this.”

 

 

***

 

 

“Should we kill it?”

“Tony!”

“All those in favor of killing it, say I! … I!”

“Tony, it’s a baby.”

“Yes, that’s a very astute observation, Warmachine, I should give you a medal. I know you weren’t there, but killing one probably saves seventy. Plus we killed a lot of babies in Sokovia. What’s one more?”

“Jesus fuck, Tony!”

“Is anybody else here willing to be rational? Bruce? Can you back me up here?”

“Uh, I’m afraid you’re on your own for this one.”

 

 

***

 

 

 **Soldier (PM):** I’m constantly amazed at how very… Tony Tony can be.

 **Bae (PM):** Tony Tony?

 **Soldier (PM)** : Yeah, like, Tony can be Tony alot.

 **Bae (PM):** Well I mean that’s what being a person means, yes.

 **Soldier (PM):** I dunno Steve, are you always this obtuse? Wait why am I even asking

 **Bae (PM):** Yeah but you love me. And not just for my kinky side.

 **Soldier (PM)** : Doesn’t hurt though

 

 

***

 

 “Tony, you had one job.”

“What do you want from me, I wanted to kill it. Not lead it away into the desert. What if it shrunk in the desert to like two inches tall and then I couldn’t find it? It’d die of thirst. That’s a horrible thing to do to a baby. Might as well just make it quick.”

“I don’t know why I bother.”

“Because you have a crush on me, Cap. You want to see if the Iron Man lives up to his name.”

“Careful what you wish for there. Pretty sure you can’t handle me. Let alone Bucky.”

“What does that even... Okay, nevermind, I don’t want to know. Please shut up now.”

“Nah, since you’re such a hot mess that you can’t even follow one simple order, I think I’ll fuck with you a little.”

“Language, Steve!”

“Not to interrupt the fun, but we have a giant baby currently terrorizing downtown Albuquerque, so…”

“Hey Murder Toy, you know downtown’s been evacuated, right?”

“Yeah, but there’s always property damage.”

“Jeez, who knew you were so goodie-two-shoes, too.”

“Did you know Steve likes licking my asshole? It’s true. He gets his tongue so far up in it-”

“Oh god oh god oh god I swear I’ll be good oh my god-”

“Oh god Bucky why would you tell people that???”

“Boys? While this is entertaining, or at least was until the last ten seconds or so, we have a baby to deal with.”

“Sorry, Nat. But really, Tony, you couldn’t handle it.”

“I believe you! I believe you!”

 

 

***

 

  **Sarcastic Asshole:** Okay the thing’s officially shrunk down to normal but his mom said it’ll happen again and I’m afraid to know how she knows that

 **Bae:** Has anyone gotten hold of Xavier?

 **Green Rage Monster** **:** I’m still not sure it’s a mutation, Steve.

 **Spidey One:** Well what else would it be?

 **  
Green Rage Monster** **:** Could be a spell or curse of some sort. Strange might know.

 **Bae:** Why don’t we start with the X-Men and work from there.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Well someone should get em down here, I didn’t have kids because I don’t wanna chase babies at all so never again ok guys

 **Spidey Two:** Why what’s wrong with babies?

 **Coffee Dawg:** Have you been here the last hour or so

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Guys please can we get the X-Men to take this thing, it’s such a liability.

 **Coffee Dawg:** Y R U so puhys Tony

 **Soldier:** …

 **Coffee Dawg:** Aww no autocorrect

 **Coffee Dawg:** I like to pretend I am an intellectual

 **Coffee Dawg:** Who knows how to spell pushy

 **Spidey One:** Who spent five minutes typing that because of your fat fingers

 

 

***

 

 

 **Bae:** Xavier’s on his way, but it’s waking up again and mom says it’s cranky when it wakes up.

 **Soldier:** You can call it a he, Steve.

 **Magic Wanda:** What does that mean, though? We are going to have to deal with it again?

 **Bae:** Probably. It gets that way when it’s aroused.

 **Sarcastic Asshole** : Okay Steve we need to talk about how you use your words

 **Soldier:** Also he’s a HE

 **Bae:** Either of you want to be operational command?

 **Soldier (PM):** Seriously Steve, what is wrong with you

 **Bae (PM)** : I don’t wanna get attached.

 **Soldier (PM):** ... I’m gonna have to process that. Like your ovaries are exploding if you call it a he instead of an it or what? I guess he is kind of adorable though. In a good way.

 **Bae (PM):** Is anyone ever adorable in a bad way??

 **Soldier (PM):** Tony.

 **Spidey One:** ANYWAY. We looked into this woman’s asshole ex. He used to work for SHIELD. We think he might have stolen some kind of prototype and used it for revenge when they broke up. I don’t know if this was the intended consequence though.

 **Green Rage Monster** : Is it a drug of some sort?

 **Spidey One:** Doesn’t look like it. Looks to be from another dimension, actually, but we still need the notes from the Archives.

 **Green Rage Monster** : So we’ll have to call Strange in then.

 **Spidey One:** Probably.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Wait are we really gonna not comment on Nat looking into this woman’s asshole???

 **Spidey One:** …

 **Spidey One:** You’re all such babies.

 **Coffee Dawg** : THERE IT IS, THE PUN OF THE CENTURY

 **Spidey One** : I quit.

 

 

***

 

 

“Strange is on his way, will be here in ten.”

“How you holding up, Bruce?”

“Pretty good, but you guys are weird. Been so long I forgot. I’m happy for you that you found Barnes. The two of you especially can be kind of adorable.”

“In a good way?”

“Who on earth is adorable in a bad way, James?”

“Tony.”

“... good point.”

 

 

***

 

 

 **Bae:** Looks like this guy’s been fucking up a lot of shit.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** … What the hell happened to your mouth, Cap?? My childhood is being ruined in front of my very eyes. Don’t tell me you weren’t a virgin too

 **Soldier:** Yeah, about that…

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Oh no, not again.

 **Spidey Two:** Not again? What happened before and when

 **Other Bae:** Don’t ask that do not ask tht

 **Bae:** Bucky no.

 **Soldier:** BuckY YES

 **Spidey Two:** I want all the Avengers secrets! I’m one fo the cool kids right??

 **Coffee Dawg:** Oh man I need popcorn, everyone’s typoing, means shit’s about to get good

 **Soldier:** Well see, it all starts with a man and a man who love each other very much.

 **Spidey Two:** Oh god no stop.

 **Soldier:** And sometimes they want to make a baby…

 **Other Bae:** See? Told you.

 **Bae:** I just want to clear the record-

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Oh jesus this is going to be how I die of embarrassment, I created a new element and this is how I go down I’m going to die of embarrassment this is so humiliating

 **Bae:** I WAS a virgin until

 **Bae** : Recently. 

 **Bae** : so.

 **Soldier:** Yep. I taught him everything he knows.

 **Other Bae:** FUCK YOU GUYS WE DON’T WANNA KNOW

 **Soldier:** What, you can’t see me but I’m actually blushing

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Well blush harder, maybe you’ll shut up.

 **Soldier:** Okay I’ll try

 **Soldier:** Nah it just makes me feel like I’m takin a shit

 **Spidey One:** Lovely.

 

 

***

 

 

“I can’t believe you flew an old man all the way down here just to say he’s not needed.”

“I’m so, so sorry, Professor. Why don’t we all take you out on a dinner date tomorrow? As a thank you for coming?”

“I suppose that might be nice, yes. I’ve always wanted to get to know you a bit anyway, Captain Rogers.”

“Well, here’s your chance.”

“Yeah, and apparently if you invite Bucky Barnes along, you’ll get to know him really really well, so well you’ll never be able to sleep again and then later probably die of embarrassment. Just ask me. I’m a ghost. Please let it be over soon. Take me off of this horrific rock.”

“... we should probably make this a one on one dinner.”

 

 

***

 

 

 **Spidey One:** So it turns out this guy’s a double agent. I’m gettin’ real sick of Hydra being in the middle of SHIELD. This guy’s extra dumb because he decided to use his little experimental treatment on a child for Chrissake. AND for revenge. The baby’s okay at least.

 **Bae:** Yeah, Hydra sure knows how to pick ‘em.

 **Bae:** So do we know where this guy disappeared to?

 **Spidey One:** Looks like he’s got several pseudonoms.

 **Soldier:** …

 **Spidey One:** Did I just type pseudonom?

 **Spidey Two:** Lol :D

 **Bae:** Huh. Didn’t even notice since I’m so busy actually working.

 **Spidey Two:** Pseudonomnomnom

 **Spidey Two:** Hey is anybody else hungry?

 

 

***

 

 

 **Bae (PM):** Hey you. We should do that thing we talked about later.

 **Soldier (PM):** Like which thing babe

 **Soldier (PM):** Also, you realize we're right next to each other right?

 **Bae (PM):** Oh you know, either. I like things.

 **Bae (PM):** And it's not like we're alone.

 **Soldier (PM):** Good for you on the whole liking things part. 

 **Soldier (PM):** And damn but now I just wanna tear you apart where everyone can hear it

 **Bae (PM):** Oh shut up

 **Bae (PM):** Wanna call Tony in for it?

 **Soldier (PM):** Steven Grant Rogers!

 **Bae (PM):** No one to blame but you.

 **Soldier (PM):** What the? What did I do??

 **Bae (PM):** You don’t remember the conversation two weeks ago? When we got drunk?

 **Soldier (PM):** Steve, we can’t get drunk.

 **Bae (PM):** Asgardian ale, moron.

 **Soldier (PM):** Oh god what did I say

 **Bae (PM):** You said, and I quote “God, I’d love to eat a piece of that.”

 **Soldier (PM):** Holy Christ. I’m sorry, Steve, fuck.

 **Bae (PM):** Actually it’s kinda doin’ it for me. I don’t know if we could actually DO it, but we could talk about it maybe? Like dirty talk. Add Natasha in for a little spice too?

 **Soldier (PM):** Ohhh, I feel that.

 **Bae (PM):** With your entire body?

 **Soldier (PM):** Aww yiss

 **Soldier (PM):** Oh bab

 **Soldier (PM)** : *baby

 **Soldier (PM):** Dammit!

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if I got any details about characters or timelines wrong. I don't know much about Xavier or the X-Men.


End file.
